Loss Unspoken
by liznyob
Summary: Ryuuken struggles to carry on after the death of his son, but he isn't the only one who has been seriously affected.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: I've been wanting to write another Bleach story for a while now and made a few attempts, but nothing ever quite took off. Then a new idea came to me and I toyed around with it, and it turned into this story. I'm excited because this will be my first story that isn't a oneshot. I fully intend for this to have a second chapter.

I don't own Bleach.

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><p>The moment Uryuu's heart stopped, so did Ryuuken's. He was sitting at home at his desk and working on some documents. He had sensed when Uryuu's spiritual pressure flared up not very long ago. Feeling no need to concern himself with his son's battle this night any more than the previous nights just like it, he ignored the situation. Immersing himself into his paperwork, Ryuuken paid no heed to the fighting that was happening outside, and he busied himself with writing. It was as if nothing was happening at all. That is, until something did happen. The second his son died, he felt it. He felt the moment when Uryuu's reiatsu disappeared like a candle flame blown out. His heart seemed to stop along with Uryuu's. He froze up in panic and immediately became aware that it was very difficult to breathe. The reiatsu of the hollow disappeared quickly afterwards. His feet wanted nothing more than to run, but the rest of him was stuck. Stuck in a chair with an unmoving pen stuck in his hand and a single word stuck in his mind that was repeating in an endless loop.<em> No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.<em>

Suddenly, Ryuuken wasn't sure how, but he was rushing out the door and to the spot that had once been filled with powerful reiatsu but was now vacant of any trace of spirit energy. Running with the aid of hirenkyaku, he reached his destination all too soon and once there was greeted with the smell of blood. Blood from his son's body, which was lying in a crooked position on the ground. Ryuuken knelt down, feeling detached and numb as he looked at Uryuu. A deep wound was on his unmoving chest and a significant wound was on his left leg. Uryuu's homemade Quincy uniform was tattered and not much of the fabric was still white. His glasses were speckled with droplets of blood but had somehow managed to stay in place, covering two still open eyes. Ryuuken gently removed Uryuu's glasses and closed his son's eyes. This was it. Uryuu was dead. His son was dead.

All at once, an uncontrollable and intense surge of emotions flooded him and he made no attempt to hold it back. Tears began to stream down his face and he pulled Uryuu into his arms and held him protectively, even though there was nothing to protect anymore. Uryuu's body wasn't even that cold. His skin wasn't at all warm to be sure, but it was if Uryuu had been caught out in outside without a jacket; the kind of cold that could be fixed with a warm drink and a blanket. Ryuuken clutched Uryuu tightly to him as memories he didn't want washed over him. Memories of all the things he said to Uryuu that he wished he hadn't. Memories of all the things Uryuu had said to him that he should have reacted differently to. Painful memories of the bitter, unhappy times they had spent with each other.

Distracted by the past, he didn't notice as several people gathered around. People who had also felt the life of Uryuu Ishida fade away but had arrived far too late to do anything. Who knows how long they had been standing there watching. He only noticed them when he heard the loud cries of a girl sobbing. He looked up to see an orange haired girl making a sound that could best be described as a wail. A very tall Hispanic looking male was standing there also, not making a sound as he cried. Standing there as well was Ichigo Kurosaki, tear stricken and looking as if he was in shock, and his father Isshin.

The sight of them together, father and son, made him feel sick. He ignored the urge to look away and instead looked Isshin directly in the eyes.

"This is what happens Isshin." His voiced was shaky and raw "This is what happens. We want to believe in them. We know we really can't do anything to stop them, so we want to believe. But...but they..." his voice trailed off and he could no longer say anything as a fresh wave of tears started up.

Isshin felt his heart break for Ryuuken. He hardly recognized the man in front of him. A part of him was genuinely terrified by the sight of Ryuuken crying, and the sight of him clutching Uryuu's body made him want to grab a hold of Ichigo and hide him away. Far away from hollows, soul reapers, and everything else. Right then, he would have done anything in the world for the guarantee that the sight before him would not later on be replaced with him and his own son.

"Ryuuken..." Isshin tried to think of something to say, anything to say, but the words would not come. Nothing he could say would be of any comfort to the man right now.

No one could do anything but stand and watch as a father sat holding his son. Ryuuken touched Uryuu's cheek, stroked his hair, and murmured words he should've said sooner but never said. When at last the frigid chill of death finally set in, Ryuuken pressed his lips against Uryuu's cold forehead and felt something inside him shatter.

Ryuuken wasn't sure how he managed to get through the week. The funeral was small and sorrowful. The orange haired girl was still sobbing and wailing, but he didn't shed a tear. He had cried out all his tears. He was sure he would never cry again in his life. First he lost his mother, then his wife, then his father, and now his only child. Ryuuken Ishida was completely alone now. The hospital had generously insisted he take the next few weeks off, although Ryuuken wanted nothing more than throw himself back into work and let it distract him.

He really didn't know what to do with himself. He wasn't the sort of person who could just do nothing all day, yet somehow that's what he ended up doing. Isshin would knock on the door and try to plead with Ryuuken. Ryuuken never answered and found himself doing little else than sitting on the couch and smoking heavily. He now had the keys to Uryuu's small apartment, but still could not find the will to go there. That would be too much too soon. The very fact that he knew he would have to eventually was a source of distress. He felt as if a giant weight was dragging him down. He felt grief as he never had. Not even when his wife died did he feel such despair. When she died he still had a purpose; he had to take care of Uryuu. Now with no one but himself, he felt himself shut down. He couldn't sleep. Anytime he closed his eyes, he could see Uryuu laying on the ground mangled and bloody and looking far too young. Sometimes at night, when everything seemed entirely too quiet, he thought he heard voices but of course no one was there. Perhaps it was a ghost; the house seemed full of them. Echoing voices from people once loved, people once alive, now all gone. Ryuuken shut his eyes. He wanted nothing more to do with the dead. Nothing at all.

Yet no matter how much he tried to distance himself from the world of the dead, it was still there. It was a tormenting presence that he could ignore, could evade, but could still feel. Lying awake at night, he could feel when Isshin's son fought against hollows and every time he felt Ichigo's overpowering reiatsu, he couldn't help but wonder what went wrong. What was it that allowed Isshin's son to be able to go home safe while his son had died in the middle of the night? Ryuuken spent many hours wondering if there was any way for him to simply get rid of his spiritual awareness. Any technique at all that would render him blissfully ignorant of the whispering in the house that persisted no matter how much he pretended not to hear it. He had always managed to at least tune it out to the point where exact words were inaudible. It usually only registered as dim, incoherent nonsense. But today he was too tired to tune it out, too tired to fight it, too tired to do anything but sit on the couch and smoke cigarette after cigarette.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

The words were faint but clear enough to hear.

"Please. I'm sorry. Just please look at me. Please. Look at me. Look at me. I'm sorry father. Please just look at me. I need you to know. I need you to know. Father please."

Ryuuken felt his blood go cold. That voice. His heart pounded in his chest as that voice jarred something within him and his eyes, hesitantly and against his will, saw what was there. What had always been there, but had he refused to look at. A chain. A chain that wrapped around him and weighed him down. A chain born from a soul that couldn't move on, too attached to the world of the living, and full of regrets.

_Uryuu. _

"I'm sorry father. I'm sorry. Please. I need to know. Please look at me. Please father. Just look at me."

Uryuu's small voice didn't cease talking. With a shudder Ryuuken realized that Uryuu had been saying these same lines over and over for days and days without stopping. Once again, he felt stuck. He couldn't seem to move his head. He couldn't quite convince himself to turn and look at Uryuu. He was afraid of what he would see.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Not long ago at all, if he had heard Uryuu say those words in that voice, he would have berated him for sounding so pitiful and weak. He would have snapped at him and said something cruel that would have made Uryuu flinch. Now he could only whisper back in a hoarse voice. "I can hear you Uryuu. I can hear you." His body moved slowly, like something rusted, but he managed to turn and face his son who had been sitting there next to him all this time. "I'm sorry too."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: This chapter was freaking hard to write. There were so many times when I was trying to come up with dialogue that wasn't horrifyingly OOC, that I would just go "Why did I ever think I could write this?" So thank you to all the people who left reviews, that help a lot! I thought my story would end with this chapter, but it turns out that I'm gonna need to write one more to wrap everything up.

I don't own Bleach.

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><p>The steady stream of words that Uryuu had been desperately repeating suddenly halted. Uryuu stared at Ryuuken with an expression that was a mixture of surprise and slight alarm, as if it was very difficult for him to comprehend that his father had finally acknowledged his presence. For a minute or so, they looked at each other in silence. Neither was quite sure how to take the next step.<p>

Ryuuken knew he needed to try to find out why Uryuu couldn't cross over to the soul society. If Uryuu stayed a bound soul, he was in serious risk. A soul that stayed on the earth past its time would eventually turn into a hollow. The process of becoming a hollow took time but the progression was painful as each week a little bit more of the heart was torn away, eventually leaving a soul with nothing but a hole. An empty void that could never be filled. Ryuuken had never been particularly comfortable having conversations with Uryuu when he had been alive. He found himself no more comfortable at the prospect of having a deep conversation with his son while he was dead.

Although, Ryuuken wasn't left with much of an option. If he concentrated hard enough, the chain could be unseen. If he had a strong enough will, Uryuu's voice could be unheard. But no amount of conviction, no matter how powerful, could erase the fact that Uryuu's time was limited. Ryuuken would have to deal with the situation sooner or later. If he dealt with the problem now, they both had a chance. If he dealt with the problem later, time may run out. As much as Ryuuken didn't want to talk about the wrongs of the past, he would do it to avoid the grim possibility of having to fire a Quincy arrow at a hollow that would have once been his son. He would not let it come to that; it would kill the both of them. The task before him was not pleasant, but his resolve was firm.

"What are you sorry for Uryuu?" he asked.

Uryuu blinked, still looking a bit confused, as though he didn't think his constant pleading would actually lead to a conversation. "I'm not sorry I decided to be a Quincy." Uryuu said suddenly and a tad defensively. A small spark of defiance that Ryuuken recognized could be heard in his voice but it disappeared quickly, and Ryuuken found himself wishing it hadn't. The fleeting trace of animosity was something he was familiar with. When Uryuu spoke again, his voice reverted to the same pain stricken tone as before. "But I am sorry about everything else."

"Everything else?" Ryuuken questioned.

"I never tried to understand. I never really attempted to see things from your perspective, and I never figured out that you were always still there. Maybe if I hadn't been so quick to leave…" Uryuu trailed off sadly.

Uryuu admitting he had been wrong didn't bring any of the emotions Ryuuken thought it would. Those were the words he had been waiting to hear; the truth that he hoped Uryuu would figure out someday. But hearing this didn't ease his heart like he thought it would. Instead, he felt an empty sort of feeling that was far from satisfaction.

"I never could look at you and not see your mother." Ryuuken said quietly, the words slipping out before he could process that he was saying them.

"I know." Uryuu said tiredly. "When have you ever truly seen me?"

The question wasn't asked with any expectation of receiving an answer, nor was there even the slightest trace of bitterness. Nevertheless Ryuuken felt it strike a tender spot. Strange, he wasn't aware he had any left.

"One time I looked through your bedroom door when you had left it half open. You were sitting on your bed, sewing something. I don't remember what it was but when I saw your face, I almost didn't recognize you. It wasn't until later that I realized that it wasn't what I had seen, it was what I hadn't seen. I didn't see her at all. After that, whenever I caught a glimpse of you sewing or whenever I saw you wearing something I could tell you made yourself, those were the times I saw only you. Sewing was something you did have great skill in." _Unlike being a Quincy_. Ryuuken had to bite back the words, although he was sure Uryuu could hear them anyway.

If Uryuu did catch the unspoken implication, he gave no indication of it. Quite the opposite, the corners of his mouth turned upwards in a tiny smile, and the sorrow embedded in his eyes seemed to lessen a bit.

It was clear Uryuu had taken that last statement as a compliment. Ryuuken was sure he hadn't intended to give a compliment, but did that matter? As of now, it did not. What really mattered was that Ryuuken dig a little deeper into what regrets Uryuu still harbored.

"Uryuu, what is it that you need me to know so much?"

It was clear this question hit the core of the issue. Uryuu immediately tensed up and his expression turned into an unsettling blend of utter anguish, confusion and fear.

By the very nature of being a bound soul, Uryuu wanted to find peace. He wanted to rid himself of the terribly heavy chain that kept him in place right next to his father. He wanted to say what it was that kept him frantically trying to get his father's attention but now that he finally had the chance, the words stuck in his throat. Even with the future of his very self at risk, he found he stilled was fearful of his father. It seemed that during his whole life, he was limited to two emotions when dealing with Ryuuken. He was either angry at his father or afraid of him. Nothing had ever gone smoothly between them; this wasn't going to be any different. A terrible wave of hopelessness engulfed him. Even death couldn't change some things.

Ryuuken felt a pang in his heart as he watched Uryuu struggle with his thoughts. What did Uryuu have left to be afraid of? What could he possibly say that would make things any more complicated between them? There was a part of him that wanted to reach out with some form of comfort, but Ryuuken didn't know how to give comfort. He never had much experience with it and was sure that if he attempted now, it would go wrong. The best he could do was to keep quiet and wait for Uryuu to come around on his own.

_Try_. The small word flickered through his mind and dropped an immense weight as it did. He could try. When had had….held Uryuu….that night…all he had wanted was to somehow be able to try again. Now Uryuu was in front of him, hurting, and he was slipping into old habits.

_Try_… Yes. As a father, he needed to at least try.

"Uryuu." He spoke in a tone that seemed much too gentle for Ryuuken Ishida to have uttered. Uryuu gazed back with wide eyes. "Why are you acting as if I could possibly lash out against someone I'm still grieving over?"

If it were possible for a dead person to die from shock, Uryuu just might have done so. Since the very start of their conversation, Ryuuken's voice had been soft; lacking its usual sharpness, but this was the different. There was something new to his voice; it was raw and sincere and it echoed around them with a message simple and clear. _I want to help. Please let me. _

"I...I just want to know for sure that...that you…"Uryuu's eyes looked downward in the same way Ryuuken remembered him doing as a child whenever he was had to ask for something and was nervous.

"That what?" he prodded though he was suddenly sure of what his son was about to say. _I want to know whether or not you ever really loved me_. He could hear it all too well. He could see the question always buried in Uryuu's eyes even from a very young age. It would make him sick to see such a question on a face that looked far too much like her. It was almost if she was asking.

Tears welled up in Uryuu's eyes and he blurted out "I need to know that you knew I always loved you!"

Uryuu's outburst took him completely by surprise, and his exclamation hit Ryuuken as if it had been a physical blow.

Now that the hurdle had finally been cleared, Uryuu found the words pouring forth. "I knew that you cared about me in your own way and even though sometimes I had my doubts, I never really believed you didn't love me somewhere deep down." The corners of Uryuu's mouth twisted into a grimace. "I absolutely hated your twisted way of showing it though. But I need to know that….even though I didn't say it, even though I was just terrible at showing it, that you still knew I loved you."

Ryuuken truly believed he had shed every tear he ever would, but what Uryuu just told him threatened to destroy that theory. He quickly blinked any would be tears away.

"I..." his voice came out hesitant and he unsure of how to answer the daunting question before him. There was no disputing the fact that their conflicting views on the Quincy lifestyle had left an extensive rift between them, but had he truly believed that Uryuu hated him?

_No._

"It was always easier to tell myself that." He said in a low voice. "Better than dwelling on the truth. That maybe if I had done a few things differently, then you wouldn't have looked at me the way you did. But it was always too easy to tell. You were good at attempting to control your expressions, but that look never went away. The way your eyes were always searching. Even when they were clouded with malice, they were still searching...I knew you loved me Uryuu."

Relief washed over Uryuu, taking away many years' worth of pain and longing but still something lingered. "I wish I had known what I had to do. I was never sure how to make you proud." he said mildly.

"I'm proud of you right now."

There it was. The very words he had desperately craved his entire life and wrapped around them like the sweetest of coatings, _affection_.

Uryuu suddenly shuddered and made a small gasping sound as his chain of fate broke, leaving only a few links connected to his chest. Ryuuken watched as the heavy chain of regret that had wrapped around his body dissolved and faded from sight. Uryuu was now a regular plus soul. Free from the past and now only a konso away from the soul society.


End file.
